Seeing the World through Someone Else’s Eyes

We recently went on a family trip to the Tate Modern. My eldest daughter, Zoe, is doing a project on surrealism and she wanted to see the art with her own two eyes.

We came across the Magritte picture below. “What do you see?”, I asked the family. What came back was a diverse tapestry of interpretations that enriched my view and blew open the artist’s title: Annunciation.

This experience reminded me of an exercise I ran recently as part of a leadership programme, where the question top of mind was “how do you get people who don’t report into you to do what you want them to do?”.

The answer lay in changing the question. In choosing to set aside, for one moment, our agenda, our perspective and interests and deciding to take on board other people’s point of view, we are far more able to listen and connect with where they are coming from – and therefore find a solution that suits us both.

I likened this to a mountain range, where to understand another’s viewpoint, we need to climb down from our own summit, take off our walking boots, walk across the valley floor to the other person’s mountain, climb up to their summit in their boots and look out at the view from there.

This ability to see the world through someone else’s eyes – walk a mile in their shoes – is eloquently illustrated in this video link of a day in the life of a US hospital, where the camera shows the inner lives of the people passing through, and the emotions playing through their minds on a daily basis.  

In a continuously changing world, the ability to move between mountains and not only see, but respect what others see, is an increasingly valuable skill to have.

The Gravitas Factor: and why it’s important in today's world

Gravitas is a term that’s been close to my heart for years. During my career in communications, we’d refer to it as a passport stamp to senior positions, a quality to aspire to when giving presentations and leading meetings.

Through my work in leadership development, I’ve watched it emerge as an essential quality for turbulent times, as people feel the pressure to stay strong and deliver results, irrespective of the challenges around them.

Gravitas is traditionally associated with statesmanlike qualities. Classic examples tend to be silver-haired men, with the wisdom of age and the senior positions to go with it. Like a fine wine, their gravitas has emerged over time.

However, in today’s competitive and fast-paced environment, people are expected to display gravitas much earlier on in their career. There’s no time to wait; it’s down to individuals to work out how to build this elusive quality for themselves: right now.

 

So what is gravitas, why is it important and how do you know when you’ve got ‘it’?

Gravitas is elusive. Just like charisma, or presence, you know when someone has ‘it’ and you know when they don’t. Unlike charisma and presence, not much has been said about gravitas, or how to make this intangible quality, tangible. Until now...

What is gravitas?

Gravitas is an inner belief that enables you to command respect and, as a result, make a positive impact on the environment you’re in.

Why is gravitas important today?

Because in a world that is ever more fast-paced and driven by change, the value of being able to have genuine influence has never been higher.

How do you know when you’ve got ‘it’?

When the confidence and consistency of your behaviour mean that, even in times of crisis, you can gather yourself and inspire those around you to unite around a course of action.

The Gravitas Factor^©

I have developed The Gravitas Factor Programme to provide people with the insight and inspiration to build their own gravitas, and use it to fulfil their potential. My goal is to demystify gravitas and bring it into the 21st century; enabling people to find their unique voice and the strength to fulfil their potential, in their careers and lives.

In designing the Gravitas Factor Programme and writing my book, The Gravitas Factor, due out in 2013, I have interviewed people from many sectors about what they think gravitas is, today. Through observing people with gravitas – from business leaders to politicians, media stars to everyday heroes, I have identified six components that together present a congruent and consistent image of gravitas.

These qualities combine the inner self – your expertise, your purpose, your potential – and the ability to share your inner self with the wider world – your message, your communication style, your impact. Because for gravitas to be truly meaningful, it should reflect who you are on the inside, rather than who you think you should be to fit in, an incomplete imitation of someone else.

The Gravitas Factor is a comprehensive programme that combines specialist training and one to one coaching, over a period of months.

I have also designed a one day, open programme for people who would like to accelerate their gravitas journey, as soon as possible. Further information about this innovative workshop can be found at the link below:

http://gravitasfactor.eventbrite.co.uk

I would be delighted to hear your views about gravitas and to welcome you onto the Gravitas Factor Programme.

You can contact me on 07725 856 469 or antoinette@zomicommunications.co.uk

I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Changing Your Head

Earlier this week, my daughter Mia woke up on what she refers to as the wrong side of the bed. She proceeded to bury herself under the bedclothes, making it quite clear to anyone who approached what kind of mood she was in. The rest of the family decided to tread carefully and wait until the storm had subsided.

Half an hour later, the sun had come out over Mia's bed. She emerged, dressed, ready for breakfast, all smiles and happy hellos.

“Wow, Mia!” I exclaimed. “What’s happened? You’re in a completely different mood!”

She then explained how she had decided to ‘change her head’, switching from her ‘bad-mood’ to her ‘good-mood brain’. She said that some people did it via a flap, but that she was able to make this change happen at will, without using her hands, “or anything at all”.

As a coach, trainer and NLP practitioner, I’m fascinated by the possibility of choice, our ability to select, from a myriad of options, what to think and how to respond to situations that come our way.

And I’ve noticed that children, when they put their mind to it, seem to do this quite naturally, as a route to happiness, comfort or a way out of frustration.

The key to our feelings

One book that Mia loves is The Soul Bird, by Michal Snunit (thank you for the gift, Esther Goodyear!). It describes the human soul as a little bird who lives deep inside all of us. This special bird can open and close the drawers of our soul, and each of the drawers houses a different feeling.

The book’s a brilliant way of helping children to articulate their emotions and a simple lesson that, in the end, our reactions are just drawers, which we can open and close, at will.

What I love about small children is the ‘cleanness’ in which they move through emotions. For Mia, once the storm had passed, all she could see was the sunshine: the bad mood had washed away.

And so perhaps the key is not only to choose which drawers to open, but also to make sure that once one drawer is open, we decide to fully immerse ourselves in it, have a good rummage around and enjoy the feeling that we’ve chosen to have.

How to change your head

·         Spend some time observing how you, and the people around you, respond to situations

·         Notice when you feel in control of your reactions, and when you feel like situations are controlling you

·         Try using the drawer metaphor – or create one of your own – to enhance your ability to select how you feel

·         Watch how children process information and deal with challenges. What else could we learn from them?

This article also appears as Kaizen Training's Tip of the Week: www.kaizen-training.com/

Twist or Stick: escaping from the limbo-land of indecision

I recently went along to an evening seminar with Robert Dilts called Twist or Stick. He talked about, as in the card game, we are continually faced with choices to either act, or not act. He observed that people may be more prone to ‘twist’, take action, get things done, be proactive. Or, they may be more likely to ‘stick’, hold back, not act, stay cautious.

When viewed objectively, it’s clear that in life, both are necessary. Twisting propels us forward. However, if we are constantly taking action, we run the risk of burning ourselves out. Sticking protects us, it allows time for reflection and keeps us safe. But if we spend our whole life this way, we can limit our potential in the world.

The point here is that we have a choice. Whether we choose to act or not act, there will always be the opportunity to learn, from both our successes and our failures, irrespective of the outcomes.

But what do you do when you don’t know whether to twist or stick? Sometimes, both options are compelling. Sometimes, acting and not acting feel like they have scary consequences. When you’re stuck this kind of limbo-land, it can be hard to decide what to do.

Following Einstein’s principle that you can’t solve a problem with the same thinking that created the problem in the first place, Robert took us through three perspectives which together can help you step out of the ‘box of indecisiveness’.

·         Position 1: what do you want to do/not do? Why do you want to do it/not do it? What does that feel like?

·         Position 2: what stops you/compels you to do it/not do it? Why is that? How do you experience that?

·         Position 3: what is worth taking the risk to either act/not act? When have you taken a risk in the past and how did you experience that?

·         And finally: what fresh insights does Position 3 bring to Positions 1 and 2 and what does that enable you to do/not do?

Since the seminar, I have decided to twist on a situation that had been paralysing me for some time. I have had the most productive week all year. Beyond taking action – which was a big leap in itself – I realised that I have the choice and that whichever choice I make, I will still be here, time will continue to pass, it will be OK. 

Robert finished by quoting a poem called Sometimes, which elegantly offers hope and I hope will encourage you to make a conscious choice in whatever card game you’re playing at this point in your life.

Sometimes

Sometimes things don't go, after all,
from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
faces down frost; green thrives; the crops don't fail,
sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well.

A people sometimes step back from war;
elect an honest man; decide they care
enough, that they can't leave some stranger poor.
Some men become what they were born for.

Sometimes our best efforts do not go
amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen: may it happen to you

At Zomi Communications, we design and deliver leadership programmes that inspire people to locate and release their inner excellence. We work with individuals to uncover their own leadership style and apply it to motivate and inspire others. Antoinette offers one to one coaching, for business and individuals.

For further information about our training and coaching solutions, go to:  

www.zomicommunications.co.uk

 or call:

(00) 44 208 650 6087

In pursuit of excellence

Earlier this week, my brother Luke Dale-Roberts won a prize for outstanding excellence in his field.

A year after opening his own restaurant in Cape Town, he won South African Chef of the Year and his restaurant, The Test Kitchen came in at number two.

Luke’s approach to excellence – his winning formula – is an inspiration for me. I love his passion for food and the perfection that he creates on a plate.

As a coach, trainer and NLP Practitioner, I’m always intrigued by excellence in any field. I believe that it’s possible to capture brilliance, boil it down to the bare bones and then work out how we can apply it to ourselves.

So I’ve taken some time to think about what ingredients have made Luke a winner and how these could be applied elsewhere – to anyone in pursuit of excellence in their own field.

Here are my thoughts, based on observations of Luke as a chef and Luke as my lovely brother:

·         Passion for his craft: Luke loves food: unless he’s sleeping, he is looking at, smelling, tasting or cooking food, and even when he’s sleeping, he’s probably dreaming about food. This passion never switches off – which means that his senses are always alive to fresh inspiration and new ideas

·         Obsession with detail: ever since a little boy, if Luke was going to do something, he was going to do it extremely well, even if it was getting up to mischief at school!  This steely determination to getting it “just right” for every single customer means that for every dish, he creates a formula that can be replicated again and again, not only by Luke, but by the rest of his team

·         Daring to be different: Luke has always loved getting a reaction out of people and his commitment to mixing things up, both in and out of the kitchen, has always got him noticed. Luke is the real deal, he has never pretended to be anyone other than himself and that’s what attracts people to him

·         Finally, dedication to and appreciation of his team. Luke puts it best himself when he says:

“I think the secret to the success of the restaurant so far is that every single person who works here is completely and utterly committed to doing their level best every single day – from the selection of the produce we work with to presenting each dish on the plate – we all want the same thing, for the diner to be blown away by the combination of flavours and the taste experience that we have put so much effort into creating”.

        http://www.travelwires.com/wp/luke-dale-roberts-crowned

Modelling is an NLP technique which is all about taking the best of what people do, synthesizing it down and sharing it with others. Modelling can be extremely useful for individuals, teams and organisations as a way of defining, decoding and replicating excellence, and making it part of what we do every day.

So the next time you do something brilliantly, or the next time you witness someone being outstanding, take the time to re-live the moment and ask yourself, what is it that’s making me/them shine, how will I replicate it next time and how will it become part of my DNA?

At Zomi Communications, we design and deliver leadership programmes that inspire people to locate and release their inner excellence. We work with individuals to uncover their own leadership style and apply it to motivate and inspire others. Antoinette offers one to one coaching, for business and individuals. For further information about our training and coaching solutions, go to:

www.zomicommunications.co.uk

twitter.com/antoinettezomi
facebook.com/pages/Zomi-Communications-Limited
http://thetestkitchen.co.za/index.html

Great Customer Service... the Mary Portas way

I love Mary Portas.  I love her style, her no-nonsense approach and her business savvy. What I’ve loved about her latest series, Mary Portas: Secret Shopper, is that she’s moved beyond the shop environment and into the customers’ world.

It's been a one-woman crusade to change the way people in Britain shop: raising our expectations of what the shopping experience should be all about and raising the bar on customer service. 

And what’s been the secret to great customer service, according to Mary? Her main point is that understanding what your customers want and giving them the service that they want is all about great listening. 

And, IMHO, that holds true whether you are selling a product or delivering a service to a client.

Being on a bit of a soapbox myself about effective listening (see 1 February blog, Are you really listening?), I thought I’d pick out a couple of Mary Mantras from last week’s episode, where she talks about great customer service to Fone House staff.

“The most important thing is the question... You’re assuming. You’re not listening, you’re telling.  And that is the problem all the time”           Mary, when talking to ‘H’, self-styled ‘Mr Big’, Larmborghini driver and owner of a Fone House franchise

“Maybe when you feel you’ve got to do the sale, [that’s what creates] the pressure. Whereas, if you genuinely approach the customer wanting to give them the solution because you have the knowledge, that puts you in a much more confident and powerful position. People don’t want hard sell. They don’t like it. They want people to be themselves” Mary, to a member of staff at the Islington Fone House branch

Although Mary relishes in her reputation as a tough-talker, she actually cares deeply about helping people to get it right.  And if you watch her when she’s working with people, she’s not scary at all. She’s getting to know them, sympathising, asking lots of questions and putting them at their ease. Once people are in that position of trust, they are then in the best possible position to receive her specialist advice. Which, ultimately, is what great customer service is all about.

At Zomi Communications, we design and deliver communications, management and leadership programmes that inspire people to locate and release their inner excellence. We work with individuals to uncover their own style and apply it to motivate and inspire others. For further information about our training and coaching solutions, go to www.zomicommunications.co.uk

To share your secrets for great customer service, tops tips for great selling and thoughts on effective listening, please comment on the blog.  Or email me at antoinette@zomicommunications.co.uk

To watch all of the Mary Portas: Secret Shopper episodes, go to http://www.channel4.com/programmes/mary-portas-secret-shopper and look out for this week's episode, Wednesday 9^th February, 9pm, Channel 4. 

Are you really listening?

I’ve been struck over the past week by how many people have expressed frustration at not being heard – by their boss, team members, business contacts, family or significant other. I’ve also been conscious of the number of times I haven’t given loved ones the attention they deserve, because I’ve been wrapped up in my own thoughts or busy doing three things at once...

Being heard, understood and respected for our point of view is a fundamental human right. But so often, we get distracted, and – intentionally or not – don’t take the time to really listen to what’s being said. This can lead to frustration, resentment and, eventually, disengagement: not good, whether it’s with colleagues or loved ones.

So what can we do to have more productive conversations?

The first step is to change our own approach to communication. Demonstrate our commitment to really listening and invite the people around us to do the same.

Here are some other ideas for productive conversations, based on the coach approach to communication, which recognises three levels of listening. They’ve made a big difference to the way I relate to the people around me. Why not try them out for a couple of days, and see what difference they make to you?

·         Switch on: if the conversation is worth having, make your mind up to give it your full attention: get your mind, body and spirit ‘in the room’

·         Focus your attention: eliminate as many distractions as you can: put your Blackberry down, switch off the TV, move away from other people’s conversations

·         Connect: take your time to observe not only what the person is saying, but how they are saying it. Does their body language support their words, or are their eyes, facial expression or posture telling a different story?

·         Build rapport: notice their own unique way of communicating; what metaphors are they using? Do they come across as a predominantly visual, auditory or kinaesthetic? Try to see the world through their eyes and you will naturally start to communicate in the same way as they do

·         Open up: be curious about what’s going on in their world. Keep an open mind and avoid jumping to conclusions or finishing their sentences off for them

·         And finally... respond!  There’s a whole range of ways in which we can get our point across in a meaningful way, some of which I will talk about in future blogs. What’s key for me is that, once you understand where the other person is at, the more likely you are to say something that they’re interested in and the more likely you are to share a meaningful conversation.

“To be listened to is a striking experience, partly because it is so rare. When another person is totally with you – leaning in, interested in every word, eager to empathise – you feel known and understood. People open up when they know they’re really being listened to; they expand; they have more presence. They feel safer and more secure as well, and trust grows” Laura Whitworth, et al Co-Active Coaching

At Zomi Communications, we design and deliver leadership programmes that inspire people to locate and release their inner excellence. We work with individuals to uncover their own leadership style and apply it to motivate and inspire others. Antoinette offers one to one coaching, for business and individuals. For further information about our training and coaching solutions, go to www.zomicommunications.co.uk

To share your thoughts and recommendations, please comment on the blog, or email me at antoinette@zomicommunications.co.uk. I look forward to hearing from you!